MORE DRUGS!!!!

yep...

the plan is simply this.

More Drugs.

Higher Dosage.

WIth the idea that we can GET MORE EGGS.

6 eggs, not so great.

100 eggs, not so great either.

10-20 eggs, ahhhhh, that's what we are after.

Therefore, please be prepared for me to be pumped even more full of those luscious hormones.

Lucky y'all!

Ready?!?!

We have our follow up appt on Fri morning to discuss the maybes of why the 1st round failed... and also to discuss when to begin Round 2.

Round 2.

Am I ready?

Yes.

Deep Breath.

Round... 2...

Putting it away...

Tonight I packed away my medicine box, the photo of the embryos and my 1st round IVF instruction folder...

I'm keeping the photo. Those were our embryos. Why they didn't stick, no one will know. But. I want to keep the photo.

My bathroom counter looks bare without the bucket of meds. It's the 1st day in 2.5 months I'm not having to pop a pill or get a shot. Weird.

Anyhow. I'm heartbroken tonight. I am going to allow myself this emotion.

and it's over...

Yep. Unfortunately this round of IVF was unsuccessful. 1st round failure.

We had a good cry, hugged for awhile, and now will figure out the next plan of action.

Thank you to everyone for the love & support.

Deja yep!

So I've been here...sleepless, restless, full of anxiety.

Except the difference is- this time it's really real.

The numbers tomorrow mean yep or nope.

Or as I have dubbed it-
Sushi and Wine dinner or Chicken Fried and Tater dinner.

It's weird though, I'm not nearly AS anxious. Don't get me wrong, I'm pacing the floor, but I'm not about to snap.

I think I'm also just SOOOO ready to know. Seriously.

Think positive, think HIGH beta, thinks good veins for the blood draw (ouch!)

Love to you all and I appreciate every single txt, call, etc!!!

to POAS or not to POAS...

I bought them.

They are in my drawer.

I haven't really decided yet though if I am going to use.

Beta test- Friday which will be 12dp5dt.

sorry- 12 days past 5 day transfer

or 17 days past ovulation...

Sigh...

Thinking...

Sitting here, 11pm and thinking that in the morning it will have been one week since the transfer... Crazy.

I've read some message boards, tried to find symptoms, blah blah. Honestly, I know that we're in a "it is what it is" situation, but whew, it's hard.

Had a total meltdown last night. Yep. Couldn't relax. Started shaking and then bam, unrelenting tears. Sobs that made my shoulders shake. My hubby was as always, amazing. Telling me to talk through it, scratching my back, repeating over and over how much he loves me.

Man, I was freaking out. It all comes down to this one moment and no matter what there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome.

I just want to know. Seriously.
I'm not this patient.

My mom says its a test for me to learn patience.

Well, I fail.

Waaaaaaaiiiiiiittttttiiiiingggg is the hardest part...

Seriously.

I want to cheat and POAS.

I'm not going to, don't worry.

I just want to know.

Yes. No. Whatever. So I can plan.

Anyhow.

Need to find some more keep my mind busy stuff.

How am I feeling you ask???

I'm going OUT of my f'in mind wondering what if, what if, what if...

I'm feeling dull cramps & get very hot very easily.

I've read that progesterone mimics pregnancy so I'm having all these symptoms, including having to pee every hour. No joke. Man.

I'm scared to be too positive and trying to remain neutral.

This is such a mind f***.

this is what is "in my heart I hope" brewing...

this is what happens in a 5dt :

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing

0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst

1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day

2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & 

fetal cells

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 

8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on 

HPT

and currently we are 2dpt...

can't say it enough...

What would I do without my "support" structure?

I mean seriously, I have the BEST husband ever, the most loving family and damn, my friends ROCK!

I know that if things turn out as planned, this bebe(s???) is gonna be loving life!!

Some of the best moments are the texts I receive from above folks...
Some sweet and some that crack me up, which is so needed...

some examples-

my dad when we told him about the exact retrieval date:

my friend Richelle when I was headed into transfer:

my mom being, well, a mom:

and then the one from my hubby this morning which gave me goosebumps, eeeeek:

and there are SO many more... I LOVE IT!! 

I love my friend Ro who says she is dreaming in multiples, I love my bestie for sending me flowers,  I love my friend Erika who checks on me, asks questions and is ALWAYS there, I love my sis in law Linda who is also making sure Lee is doing well.... yep, it's awesome.

I could not imagine doing this without all of them.

Meet the "Embryos!"

C'mon and snuggle on in... :)

oooph

Our embryologist just called & the 2 embryos which were not selected for transfer also did not make it into full blastocyst stage, which means there are none to freeze.

He said the 2 transferred were of excellent quality and chances are high... However, it's still all a waiting game.

Therefore if we "need" to pursue IVF again, we start from scratch.

Meanwhile, me and these embryos have been resting nicely... :)

2DPFET, 6DPO

Did ya get that??

No?

Oh it means, 2 days past Fresh Embryo Transfer and 6 Days Past "Ovulation" or in IVF speak- egg retrieval.

Yep, it's like txt speak.

How I am feeling:
- bit crampy
- stir crazy
- really great actually...


Now that we are in the 2ww, oh sorry, that's the 2 week wait, it's literally nothing but well, waiting...

Later.

the embryos look niiiice...

Haha! This is how our RE spoke to us when he saw us this morning. Big eyes and emphasis on nice. We had a good chuckle!

Now I'm on "bed rest" for 24-48 hours, wishin and hopin these lil guys stick. I've been talking to them, we've been laughing and now I'm just relaxing.

Such a surreal moment lying on that table thinking "this could be THE moment" whew...

Now it's time for some brainless TV, Gatorade and sleep.

hello teeny embryos...

Anyone who really knows me knows that Friends is my ALL time favorite TV show. I have seen it Season 1- Season 10 at least 5 times.

Well, as we are headed into tomorrow I couldn't help think of this moment...

The One with the Embryos - Phoebe is talking to them, asking to them to get in there  and "hold on tight" and she then promises she will provide an excellent home for them for the next 9 months.

OH MAN, I seriously I hope I get this moment tomorrow to talk to our embryos as well- I just want to let them know we are so excited for this possibility and along the same lines as Phoebe, I want them to know I will take SUCH good care of them while they grow and for the rest of their lives, we will LOVE them more than they can imagine if they will please just get in there and "nestle" in!!

What a journey. It all comes down to tomorrow. Tomorrow I could be pregnant. Tomorrow I could not be pregnant and we could be back to square one.

Whew! and to quote Phoebe again, "that's a lot of pressure to put on my uterus!" HA!

I am scared, I am excited.

2 embryos being transferred, we are absolutely good if BOTH wanna stick around, we'd be thrilled...

Anyhow, 9:15a tomorrow- it is time.