And we are off...

Started AF today, which means this round 2 of IVF has officially begun...

Gulp.

MORE DRUGS!!!!

yep...

the plan is simply this.

More Drugs.

Higher Dosage.

WIth the idea that we can GET MORE EGGS.

6 eggs, not so great.

100 eggs, not so great either.

10-20 eggs, ahhhhh, that's what we are after.

Therefore, please be prepared for me to be pumped even more full of those luscious hormones.

Lucky y'all!

Ready?!?!

We have our follow up appt on Fri morning to discuss the maybes of why the 1st round failed... and also to discuss when to begin Round 2.

Round 2.

Am I ready?

Yes.

Deep Breath.

Round... 2...

Putting it away...

Tonight I packed away my medicine box, the photo of the embryos and my 1st round IVF instruction folder...

I'm keeping the photo. Those were our embryos. Why they didn't stick, no one will know. But. I want to keep the photo.

My bathroom counter looks bare without the bucket of meds. It's the 1st day in 2.5 months I'm not having to pop a pill or get a shot. Weird.

Anyhow. I'm heartbroken tonight. I am going to allow myself this emotion.

and it's over...

Yep. Unfortunately this round of IVF was unsuccessful. 1st round failure.

We had a good cry, hugged for awhile, and now will figure out the next plan of action.

Thank you to everyone for the love & support.

Deja yep!

So I've been here...sleepless, restless, full of anxiety.

Except the difference is- this time it's really real.

The numbers tomorrow mean yep or nope.

Or as I have dubbed it-
Sushi and Wine dinner or Chicken Fried and Tater dinner.

It's weird though, I'm not nearly AS anxious. Don't get me wrong, I'm pacing the floor, but I'm not about to snap.

I think I'm also just SOOOO ready to know. Seriously.

Think positive, think HIGH beta, thinks good veins for the blood draw (ouch!)

Love to you all and I appreciate every single txt, call, etc!!!

to POAS or not to POAS...

I bought them.

They are in my drawer.

I haven't really decided yet though if I am going to use.

Beta test- Friday which will be 12dp5dt.

sorry- 12 days past 5 day transfer

or 17 days past ovulation...

Sigh...

Thinking...

Sitting here, 11pm and thinking that in the morning it will have been one week since the transfer... Crazy.

I've read some message boards, tried to find symptoms, blah blah. Honestly, I know that we're in a "it is what it is" situation, but whew, it's hard.

Had a total meltdown last night. Yep. Couldn't relax. Started shaking and then bam, unrelenting tears. Sobs that made my shoulders shake. My hubby was as always, amazing. Telling me to talk through it, scratching my back, repeating over and over how much he loves me.

Man, I was freaking out. It all comes down to this one moment and no matter what there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome.

I just want to know. Seriously.
I'm not this patient.

My mom says its a test for me to learn patience.

Well, I fail.

Waaaaaaaiiiiiiittttttiiiiingggg is the hardest part...

Seriously.

I want to cheat and POAS.

I'm not going to, don't worry.

I just want to know.

Yes. No. Whatever. So I can plan.

Anyhow.

Need to find some more keep my mind busy stuff.

How am I feeling you ask???

I'm going OUT of my f'in mind wondering what if, what if, what if...

I'm feeling dull cramps & get very hot very easily.

I've read that progesterone mimics pregnancy so I'm having all these symptoms, including having to pee every hour. No joke. Man.

I'm scared to be too positive and trying to remain neutral.

This is such a mind f***.

this is what is "in my heart I hope" brewing...

this is what happens in a 5dt :

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing

0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst

1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day

2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & 

fetal cells

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 

8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 

9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on 

HPT

and currently we are 2dpt...

can't say it enough...

What would I do without my "support" structure?

I mean seriously, I have the BEST husband ever, the most loving family and damn, my friends ROCK!

I know that if things turn out as planned, this bebe(s???) is gonna be loving life!!

Some of the best moments are the texts I receive from above folks...
Some sweet and some that crack me up, which is so needed...

some examples-

my dad when we told him about the exact retrieval date:

my friend Richelle when I was headed into transfer:

my mom being, well, a mom:

and then the one from my hubby this morning which gave me goosebumps, eeeeek:

and there are SO many more... I LOVE IT!! 

I love my friend Ro who says she is dreaming in multiples, I love my bestie for sending me flowers,  I love my friend Erika who checks on me, asks questions and is ALWAYS there, I love my sis in law Linda who is also making sure Lee is doing well.... yep, it's awesome.

I could not imagine doing this without all of them.

Meet the "Embryos!"

C'mon and snuggle on in... :)

oooph

Our embryologist just called & the 2 embryos which were not selected for transfer also did not make it into full blastocyst stage, which means there are none to freeze.

He said the 2 transferred were of excellent quality and chances are high... However, it's still all a waiting game.

Therefore if we "need" to pursue IVF again, we start from scratch.

Meanwhile, me and these embryos have been resting nicely... :)

2DPFET, 6DPO

Did ya get that??

No?

Oh it means, 2 days past Fresh Embryo Transfer and 6 Days Past "Ovulation" or in IVF speak- egg retrieval.

Yep, it's like txt speak.

How I am feeling:
- bit crampy
- stir crazy
- really great actually...


Now that we are in the 2ww, oh sorry, that's the 2 week wait, it's literally nothing but well, waiting...

Later.

the embryos look niiiice...

Haha! This is how our RE spoke to us when he saw us this morning. Big eyes and emphasis on nice. We had a good chuckle!

Now I'm on "bed rest" for 24-48 hours, wishin and hopin these lil guys stick. I've been talking to them, we've been laughing and now I'm just relaxing.

Such a surreal moment lying on that table thinking "this could be THE moment" whew...

Now it's time for some brainless TV, Gatorade and sleep.

hello teeny embryos...

Anyone who really knows me knows that Friends is my ALL time favorite TV show. I have seen it Season 1- Season 10 at least 5 times.

Well, as we are headed into tomorrow I couldn't help think of this moment...

The One with the Embryos - Phoebe is talking to them, asking to them to get in there  and "hold on tight" and she then promises she will provide an excellent home for them for the next 9 months.

OH MAN, I seriously I hope I get this moment tomorrow to talk to our embryos as well- I just want to let them know we are so excited for this possibility and along the same lines as Phoebe, I want them to know I will take SUCH good care of them while they grow and for the rest of their lives, we will LOVE them more than they can imagine if they will please just get in there and "nestle" in!!

What a journey. It all comes down to tomorrow. Tomorrow I could be pregnant. Tomorrow I could not be pregnant and we could be back to square one.

Whew! and to quote Phoebe again, "that's a lot of pressure to put on my uterus!" HA!

I am scared, I am excited.

2 embryos being transferred, we are absolutely good if BOTH wanna stick around, we'd be thrilled...

Anyhow, 9:15a tomorrow- it is time.

Transfer Update...

Alrighty then... It's good news, but delayed. All 4 embryos are developing very well, progressing exactly as needed, so they want to wait and do a 5 day transfer vs 3. This way on Sun the best of the best is being implanted. The time is at 9a. I've read that 5 day has higher success rates, so we are cool with that.

...

Wives Tale? Maybe... But it can't hurt.
Fresh pineapple and Gatorade starting the day of transfer and continued for several days.
Hey, we've spent a small fortune on this, I'm thinking $5 on something that even Drs say "may" help is worth it.
Plus, I love fresh pineapple!!!

The Heart...

It's simple really. A heart drawn with a sharpie. But reality is, it is so much more. It's the act of a nurse who cares. The marking of a symbol which means love and hope.
My husband has to give me daily shots right in this mark. That's hard for him. There is something about the fact that she drew a heart which comforts me.
She could have simply put a dot. A line. But no.
I love this heart.
I love that we are so close.
I love that even though it scares him, he is very focused on these shots.
A simple marking, a big impact.

Call from the embryologist

4 of the 6 are mature and are fertilizing. They are developing well in this 24 hours. They will not evaluate them tomorrow, next time will be Fri morning and if they are "ready" - transfer will happen around noon. If not, the transfer will happen on Sun.

There will be 2 embryos being transferred.

I'm shaking.

Retrieval Day!

6 eggs retrieved- awaiting call for how many matured and fertilized.

TMI... but it's my blog to document...

Side effects so far-
Bloating, headaches, HOT flashes and irritability
Nothing major, nothing I can't deal with.
My ovaries are def swelling up, I feel super tight and swollen.
And tonight, here's the TMI, I had MAJOR cervical mucus, we are talking serious egg white mucus. This is a good sign, it means my follicles are growing and my estrogen is pumping. But man, it was intense.

Dr Update-
Went today for bloodwork, Estradiol level is good. Go back on Wed for ultrasound and more bloodwork.
Meds:
Lupron- 5iui
Menopur- 75iui
Gonal-F- 225 iui


Well. That's it.

Twisted Ovary, yowza!

Twisted Ovary... eeeeeek!

click on the above to learn yet another "concern"
basically once these new meds start, it's time to be as stationary as possible since my ovaries will be the size of basketballs... well... maybe not quite... ;)

Lupron - If I may...

Oh Lupron, thank you for the zits, the exhaustion, the bone aches, the mood swings and just the overall blech feeling I've had lately...

I'm trying to push through it all and I'm also trying to allow myself to rest.

You know me, I don't like to be stationary long. But man, I feel like someone has BEAT me up.

It'll be so worth it, yes, but for now, you'll find me snooooozin...

Daily Shot...

for me...

for me, I can't...
- get too excited or too upset, I must remain neutral
- focus on the $ amount this has cost
- allow myself to get wrapped in the negativity
- spend too long in the baby aisle
- imagine doing this without support
- decide who all should be let in on this journey
- believe some people would shun pregnant friends out of jealousy
- read quite a few blogs because they piss me off
- still believe I am giving myself a shot every single morning
- allow too many days pass without writing
- believe we are really here, really doing this

Cooperating Ovary, we thank you!!!

We went in at 8a this am "ready" for a cyst aspiration, lo and behold, the cyst has vanished on its own and no need! Wahooooo! I have the best RN, even she gave a wahoooo and said I LOVE being able to give good news!

My hubby had positive thinking the entire weekend and it paid off.

Today is definitely a day to be grateful.

Now we will get a new calendar and kick this process back into mode.

Happy.

suppression...

and we have suppression.

and we still have a cyst.

and we will know today about cyst aspiration date.

and I have been reduced to 5 units of Lupron.

and the delay is about 3 wks.

and thats better than never.

estrogen estrogen estrogen

Apparently my ovaries, uterus and my hormones have a different plan for us on this IVF journey.  I have been to Dr G twice in the past week to test my E2 levels and see if we are good to go on the next round of meds and NOPE. I have too high of E2 levels and my uterus lining is too thick. Therefore this means I continue on the 10mm of Lupron and continue getting blood drawn and a sono every 4 days until the levels are correct.

I asked if there was anything I could do and she said nope.

Grrrrrrrr.... don't they know I am not a very patient person and I like things done on my time schedule. Oh wait, I guess this is MY body's time schedule, sigh... it's frustrating and of course, I want it done correctly, but I also want it to move forward.

Alright, well, I go back Thurs again, let's see what the results are then.

could be a delay folks...

Baseline sono revealed a cyst today on my left ovary...this is something that can happen with HS or hyper stimulation or could be a result of meds, etc etc.

Had some blood drawn as well and this will be the true indication of what needs to happen- whether we will be delayed or start more BCP or move on as scheduled.  Who knows.

Sono E2 and Bloodwork...

Tomorrow I am scheduled to visit Dr G for bloodwork and an E2 baseline sono.

The sono will state my baseline estrogen levels upon which when I begin the Menopur and Gonal next week, another sono will state if my ovaries and such are responding properly to the meds. Will be checking those levels along with my "follies" aka follicles to ensure they are rapidly producing as well...

Will let you know the results...

Sweet dreams are "not" made of these...

Dream= triplets.
I'm scared.

because what I really want...

what I really want...

• someone to call me mom
• someone to teach how to read
• someone whose tears only we can soothe
• someone whose hand we each hold walking through the park
• someone to show how beautiful it can be to help others
• someone to make funny faces with
• someone to teach how to swim
• someone we allow to be full of imagination
• someone whose cheeks I can kiss
• someone to pout at me when I teach them right from wrong
• someone to sing loudly from the back in a carseat
• someone to love so much and so unconditionally

and the deal is, it hasn't happened the way we planned, it may not happen with IVF, but one day I KNOW  we will have all of the above, somehow...

I would SCREAM!

Clown enters room after Embryo Transfer (click for link!)

Say whaaaaa???
I mean, I am all about laughter and such, but if a damn clown enters the room there's going to be a ruckus! Hahahahaha!!!

quick timeline update...

• today was the last BC pill
• Lupron shot is still every morning
• next dr appt is once my cycle begins, thinking around 7/27 - they will be completing an ultrasound to make sure the ovaries are ready for the next round of shots...

not my style...

I read a lot of blogs about IVF, infertility, AR, etc... some of which I find inspiring, some of which I find myself hoping I do not begin to sound like.

Negativity is not my style. Sarcasm, yes. 

I know this is hard, I know emotionally I will be wrecked.
I also know I have the most amazing support system around-
A loving, awesome husband who will allow me to go postal and then embrace me afterward
Friends who ask me "how's it going" and they really want to know
Family who thinks positive and dreams big

Yes, this is already a crazy process.

 I am already shooting up in the bathroom every morning and we have dropped an insane amount of ca$h, but each day I remind myself this is our journey, this is our story and no matter the outcome, we will laugh, cry and be able to deal.

Lupron Lump Photo!

It's nasty, it's hardcore, it's on my stomach!!

Day 3 of Lupron!

Nice.

it's the hard "knot" life for me...

side effect of Lupron injection- Lupron Lumps...

Oooooh, do tell us more you say, well, alrighty!

When you give yourself an injection, you pose the risk of knots at the injection site. This is one of the main reasons for alternating sides daily for each injection. I most definitely have to do this because I get major knots during the injection. No worries, it bleeds, swells and then goes away after about 1/2 an hour. It is sort of like a mosquito bite.

Other side effects thus far- sweating! Now, I am a hot natured person anyhow and it's only 100+ degrees here in TX, so this added little bonus is just peachy. MORE SWEAT. Man, I can't stay dry, I can't cool down and I had a mad hot flash at the movie theater last night.

I am not complaining, fingers crossed this all leads to amazingness, but rather I am documenting this journey.

Excuse me while I go splash my face...

LUPRON!

nothing like returning from vacation and having your 1st injection scheduled the next morning... yep, it has begun. Lupron shot #1 - DONE. I was quite anxious, but the shot itself was easy, no pain. Let's see what the effects are, oooooohhh!

and now for the technicals... stay awake...

What is the purpose of Lupron in IVF?

The first fertility drug that most women use in an IVF cycle is Lupron. Lupron causes the pituitary gland to release high amounts of FSH and LH (luteinizing hormone) for several days until its stores are depleted. Since continued use of Lupron prevents the pituitary gland from producing new supplies of FSH and LH, the amount of these hormones being released per day becomes very low after 7 to 10 days. The goal that we achieve with Lupron is to ensure that blood levels of LH are low during the last few days of follicle growth, since we know that high levels of LH can lead to poor egg quality and stimulate progesterone production by the ovaries. A premature rise in progesterone may cause inappropriate maturation of the uterine lining and lead to a lesser chance of embryo implantation.

alright, well, that is that. 

Technically, Lupron suppresses the cycle, menopausal like-  so hot flashes and such  may occur.

Oh Joy!

It's real... Like really real...

Okay so that Sonohysterogram is no joke. Ouch. Saline burns, it makes you cramp and oh yeah, it hurts. The procedure lasted all of 7 min, but there were some moments I was deep breathing quite loudly. Afterward, holy cow. Worst. Cramps. Ever. I couldn't sit comfortably, the nurse said "it's normal, take some Tylenol" thank goodness for Tylenol.

Results were A+, my uterus and such are cozy enough for an embryo to make a home, whoooo!

Then it came time to review "the calendar" (insert scary movie music here) WHOA. This is no joke. The timing, the dosage, 3 freakin injections a day. I'm freaked out. Not of the needles, but of the "timing" it's so important.

Timeline breakdown:
Today- July 18th birth control and prenatals
July 18th- begin Lupron injection, still birth control and prenatals
July 22nd- stop birth control
July 27th- appt for a Sono E2 to determine Lupron has begun to "work"
July 30th- Lupron, Gonodatropin, Menopur ALL injections!!
And so on... see cal below.

We also found out today that we have to do ICSI- which is the process of actually injecting the sperm into the egg.

The good news?? Vacation starts tomorrow and the RN said alcohol is just fine and dandy until 7/18 when Lupron starts, hallelujah!! I can have a drink or 5 in NY and not feel guilty.

Time to get packing!

Here's our Doc!

I get by with a little help...

Love ya, Erika!!

SonoHyst- a- what?

What is a sonohysterogram? A hysterosonogram or HSN is also known by the names sonohysterogram, saline ultrasound, saline sonogram, or saline infusion sonogram. A hysterosonogram is an office based ultrasound procedure that can determine if there are abnormalities inside the uterus that might interfere with pregnancy. It is important to have an evalaution of the uterine cavity with a sonohysterogram or other  method before proceeding with an IVF cycle. This test involves no radiation, and there are very few risks from the procedure. Compared to a regular ultrasound, a sonohysterogram is better at detecting abnormalities on the inside walls of the uterus because it involves infusing sterile fluid inside the uterus. This way, the walls of uterus separate from each other and any abnormalities that might have been hiding right along the sides of the walls will be easily identified.  10:45a today, this is what we are doing... the thing is, I already know I have fibroids, the determination is whether these bumpy lumps will affect a possible pregnancy... if so, then they will need to be removed.  Good times, good times. We will also be receiving our official IVF calendar at this appt- the schedule in how this should all play out. Dates, invasive procedures, meds, yada yada... Alright, headed to my appt.

Grateful...

where we are...

Where we are in the process...

- TTC for over 5+ yrs
- determined that hubby has low motility and morphology
- hubby has variocele surgery August 2011
- surgery improves quality, however, chance of impregnation naturally is less than 5%
- IVF is the route all our drs believe is our "best" option - 65-70% chance
- 1st IVF consultation June 2012
- Ultrasound reveals I am ovulating, eggs present with follicles showing
- July 5th, 2012, cycle starts and so do meds- BC and Doxycycline
- July 10th- Sonohysterogram scheduled

Each night I take this combo of Birth Control and Prenatals, I feel my ovaries becoming baffled...

MEDS...

...and this is the list of my "course of meds"

Understanding the Steps in an IVF Treatment Cycle

Here’s the short version of the steps involved in an IVF treatment cycle.

1. Ovarian stimulation.
   Your doctor prescribes a course of drugs for you to take to stimulate your ovaries into hopefully producing 12 to 15 mature eggs.
2. Monitoring of your drug response.
   To monitor the progress of your ovarian stimulation you undergo an ultrasound examination and blood tests.
3. Egg maturation.
   Two days before your eggs are due to be collected you have a hormone injection, which triggers maturation of the eggs.
4. Egg collection.
   You receive a light general anaesthetic for this simple, short procedure, and your doctor retrieves your eggs using an ultrasound-guided technique.
5. Sperm production.
   On the day of egg collection, your partner provides a sperm sample.
6. Fertilisation.
   The embryologist puts sperm and eggs together in the lab and, if all goes well, the eggs fertilise and early embryo development begins.
7. Embryo transfer.
   Two to five days after egg collection, your doctor places one or two embryos in your uterus.
8. Embryo freezing.
   If you have additional embryos suitable for use, they can be frozen and kept for future transfers.
9. Pregnancy test.
   About two weeks after embryo transfer you have a blood test to find out whether the treatment worked.
   • If the test is positive, you have your first pregnancy scan two weeks later.
   • If the test is negative, you and your partner need to talk to your doctor and decide whether to try the treatment again

IVF Companion...

Joining a support group is mandatory for this process.
My dr- Dr Goldstein, Fertility Specialists of TX, states that as men, they cannot comprehend nor relate to all the emotions and such that happen to us during the IVF treatment. He tells his patients about varying group options around the metroplex.
I joined the Resolve N Dallas group. The 1st face to face meeting I was scheduled to attend was cancelled. However, I've been chatting with these women and they've already given some good advice. One being to ensure I have this book. It's a very detailed notebook to track virtually everything.
And considering there are multiple meds, dr appointments sometimes daily toward the official transfer date, etc etc, perhaps this will help.

And oh yeah, very limited caffeine & alcohol during the process. I'm doing okay with this, staying within my 300 mg of caffeine allowed and I have only had one drink.

Yesterday was the 1st round of meds- birth control pill (say whaaaa??) and Doxycycline to control infection.

Did I mention I'm nervous as hell?

oh boy... where to start...

Well, it seemed easier to begin a blog and document all the madness that will surround us during this process, you know, instead of sending out a text each time something new was going on, a new med is taken, etc.

Lucky me, we have all of you to support us. I am of course, much more of an emotional mess than Lee, but he is very nervous as well.

The IVF process has officially begun. I am scared. I am excited. I am gonna be on SO MANY FREAKIN' MEDS!

That's it for now, I will update more later with all the "oh so fun" details...

- Ters